Before I decided “witch” was for me, not once in 20 years had I thought about where I came from. I was born to a “Russian” family (quotations marks because there’s evidence of Jewish, Ukrainian, Roma, Mongolian heritage and more…), in a German country, and only a few months after being born there, my family whisked me away to France. Here, I spent 17 years growing up… going to an international school, speaking fluent English, graduating and being catapulted to Cyprus.
In all of that time, I had never worried about my blood… I happily labeled myself “human” as a way to communicate, I am just a girl that lives on a floating bit of space rock.
Just this fall, everything changed. After realizing at the beginning of the year that magick was something I had always believed in and witchcraft was what I was basically always already doing… I got re-introduced to the topic of ancestors. There was conversation everywhere I researched that knowing where you came from somehow led to more spiritual understanding, and soul reclaiming, so finally, I heard the call.
I thought, if I could pinpoint my origins, I would begin to understand why a part of me ALWAYS felt like it didn’t belong anywhere.
Just my luck, that the first Ancestor I encountered from a session with a now friend, was a Gypsy, traveler woman who just like me, lived her life in no man’s land. Somehow, even though it gave me an ambiguous answer, it made sense and taught me a different lesson that is to be shared at a different time.
This time around, the light bulb I received was after my first Samhain celebration, having just passed. My respect, reaching out and honoring ancestors has been the focus for the pagan harvest festivals that have all recently passed, and so Halloween, was no different. I had set out quite a few days to get up to a diverse range of activities, but my big ritual was scheduled for the 1st of November while all my family were out for the evening.
My ritual was planned around healing of my ancestral lineage.
It continued with the theme of abstract, ambiguous, yet it was beautiful. I felt filled up from the inside.
When I sit down at my altar, no matter what it is, you best believe that my Tarot is not far. It is just the tool I consult when I need some extra clarification or a focus point. Working with my beautiful Shadowscapes, I requested to have some reference for what belief, or wound all of us – past, present and future – were ready to let go of, so that we wouldn’t have to carry it in our lineage any longer.
The Moon. I got the frikken Moon. Seriously, could we get anymore cryptic?
While I understood the obvious things like working through shadows, listening to intuition and unmasking what is in the dark… something still wasn’t making sense. I wrapped everything up, I said my thanks and I’d gone about with my day.
Until I came across this article. Another Tarot readers insights on the Moon card. With flashbacks of my cacao teacher lovingly laughing at me for complaining will I ever fit in at the age of 20 years old… it all sorta just kinda, made sense.
Life is pretty damn ambiguous. Humans, are pretty damn ambiguous and if you know anything about the Universe… its plans are pretty damn, ambiguous. It all makes sense in the end, but until the end, all of the strange puzzle pieces are just that… puzzle pieces.
We get confused, we don’t always see the full picture and the only way out of the darkness? Is through. There is no outsmarting life. There is no hijacking the grand design.
What is it that I’m clearing from all of my lineage? It’s a puzzle. I’ll learn about the new piece, when it is time to get the new piece… and that comes while I just live life. I heal my lineage, by the very act of living my life. By working through every shadow, subconscious program, fear that presents itself, only when it is ready.
There is no pushing a flower to bloom before its time or pushing for a chick to hatch before its date and although, we are the species, that is so smart, that can walk, talk and love – what a magnificent lesson we have been given, to learn that we are exactly where we are meant to be. Knowing what we know, loving who we love, right here, right now and that’s, the circle of life.
[Artwork: Moon Major Arcana Card from the Shadowscapes Tarot by Stephanie Pui-Mun Law]